incremental progress

Baby love

It took a while to fall in love with c. When he spent a week in hospital when he was six weeks old, I wasn't too worried about him. Or I guess I was, but it wasn't on the surface. It was more like a undercurrent, not part of my Cscious mind. But by the time we got out of there I knew I loved him. And not long after that I realised he was really still a part of me. I would wake before he did in the night by about a minute, and so he didn't have to cry to get my attention. Just grunt. Or hum. And when he did get upset about things, it wasn't very often that I had to wonder what was wrong. I just knew. Its not as strong now, but I still know what he means when he asks a question without a noun. When we look at things we comment on the same stuff. In Richard Bach's book 'Illusions' , he says "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.
Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. " I think that c and I may be members of this kind of family.

h is different. To begin with there was no lag time in my outbreak of love for him. First sight of his face and I was 'gone'. And I love him very dearly. I look at him and go all gooey inside. But I don't feel the same Cnection. I don't wake up before he does, in fact I think he learnt to sleep through the night because I didn't wake up even when he did. Sometimes R has woken to him and then had to wake me to feed him, and guests in the house have told me he wakes in the night, has a quiet chat to himself and goes back to sleep, and I've missed the whole performance. He is the cutest baby I've ever seen though. Just beautiful, especially now his skin has cleared up. I don't know what he is thinking as much as I did with c. I have to try things more often, and I'm learning about what makes him tick. He's a simple fellow actually, and it takes very little to make him happy.

I always wanted a girl when I got pregnant (now six times), and both times I 've carried to term I 've had a boy. I wanted a girl because I have felt more Cnected to the women in my life. I understood them more easily. And so I wanted a girl, because they would be less foreign. And now I have two boys, one of whom is a sibling of my soul spirit, and the other who I love beyond any love I have felt before.

I couldn't be happier.

Posted by Toni at December 16, 2004 06:55 PM