plasticwrap

You Guys Suck, Meet Sarcasm

Somebody who writes in ALL CAPITALS and doesn't know how to spell was commenting on the Natural Confectionary debate. Read the comments, they are really funny. Apparently, it's "GAY!!!!" to have an amusing and ironic debate over lollies and commercials.

Frankly, I'm not surprised my comments and behaviour are gay - I am gay.

Anyway. The little spleen-monster was too carried away with typing ALL CAPS to remember their name and email address. Poor thing.

In other news, did you see that they've found Treasure Island's treasure?

A long quest for booty from the Spanish colonial era appears to be culminating in Chile with the announcement by a group of adventurers that they have found an estimated 600 barrels of gold coins and Incan jewels on the remote Pacific island.

In Harm's Way

I'm reading a book at the moment called The Zanzibar Chest which is about modern war-journalism. It struck me the other day, while watching TV3 News deliberately fly a crew into the path of Hurricane Rita.

What was the point of that? We're going to take 3 New Zealanders and deliberately put their lives at risk by having them stay in the path of storm that the US Government considered serious enough to order a mandatory evacuation of the area.

Thanks to that decision, we got valuable insights into what it's like to be in a hurricane: "Well, Mike, it's very windy and very wet! The wind and rain are so strong!"

What novelty and surprise. It's windy and wet inside a major hurricane? I never would have guessed that. And it's just as well we had Kiwis there, given that there were only dozens of American reporters already embedded there, and god knows how hard it is to understand American English.

Idiots. Why not just get a feed from CNN or something? It's not like they're reluctant to be interviewed. It seems crazy to me. Deliberately putting your employees in mortal danger just to get more stock footage of a storm that's not even in your own hemisphere...

Anyway. The Zanzibar Chest, by Aiden Hartley, is a very good book, and I recommend it. It opened my eyes a bit as to what war journalism in modern times is all about. I don't want to be a journalist anymore!

***

Now, this, on the other hand, is real news!

Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico... - read more in the Guardian.

The Joke's On Them

shipoffools.com got 10,000 people to vote on the funniest Christian joke out of over 950 entries. The most offensive was considered to be Jesus walking into a hotel, chucking a bag on nails on the counter and asking to be put up for the night. Personally that gave me more of a chuckle than this one, which was considered to be the funniest (it might say more about Christians than comedy, since I think this is pretty weak):

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

I know *so* many religious funnypeople who think this way. Funnypeople! "God wants my baby to die of a heart defect, or else God would heal him." I've always found it odd that these same people don't run around naked shitting in the streets, seeing as God should magically clothe and toilet them if he wants that to happen.

Reminds me of a good Jack Handey quote:
My dad always thought that laughter was the best medicine. I guess that's why several of us died of tuberculosis.

... and here's a terrible pun I prepared earlier:

What do you do with someone who won't laugh at your jokes?
They were shot while attempting to resist a jest.

MUWHAAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, and try the Political Compass. I got:

Economic Left/Right: -2.88
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -3.69

Which puts me somewhere near the politics of the Dalai Lama and Nelson Madela (according to their chart). Anyone here a Mugabe or a Dubya Bush? And is anyone off the wall enough to score in the lower right quadrant?

Moving, Eventually

I am slowly putting together the things I need to do to move back up from Chch to Welly. I have to make sure that the medical/psych side of it is handed over to professional people in the most effective way, plus I have to give about a month's notice on this flat.

I'm really tired, altho I bet not as tired as Sok and Giffy are after their Gondoliers thing in Palmy. Hope it went well, guys...

Sigh. Back into life in Chch for a while, anyway. I wish I could just snap my fingers and head back up to Wgtn next week. But I suspect it will take a little while, so I'm just going to have to be patient.

dammit! I'm not good at patient. I'd make a rotton serf. "Stuff you, milord!"

Instinctive Hatred

Today I was reminded of the instinctive and brutal hatred of high school. I walked to the corner shop, and within 5 minutes, two boy-racer/skinheads had deliberately swerved and accelerated in order to spray me with a high velocity spray of snow, ice and water.

Twice. In five minutes. Why me? Why not the other 5 or 6 people on the street?

What the hell is it about me? People have been randomly throwing me down the stairwells since intermediate. Would someone tell me what it is about me that is so antagonistic? All I want is to be able to go about my life without idiots throwing stones at me or spraying me in painful ice and gravel.

It makes me feel like an ugly fat phreq. I went home and cried with Sock and we decided to never leave the house again. I feel like such an outcast, and I don't know what it is I'm doing that always prompts this. Ever since I was a kid. How do people know just by looking at me that I'm a geek?

Snowing...

It's hard to believe that a couple of days ago I was wearing a tshirt and admiring baby ducks and daffodils. It's reasonably heavy snow, too.

I will tuck Sock into her drizabone and take her for a walk this afternoon. I'm so glad I have got my baby girl back.

I'm doing well with food, and I feel hideous. Ugly and large and awkward and disgusting. I feel like I'm running down a road blindfolded and screaming. Urgh. Even typing about it makes me panic. I want to be healthy, but oh god I can't do it if it makes me feel and look like this...

Ducklings!

There are 2 teeny-tiny ducklings in the river (Avon) near my house. They are very cute, but seem rather early - it's only mid-September, after all.

I went down with Sock to vote and didn't have to wait or anything, it was great and very easy. The elections are very well-managed and convenient in NZ, I always think.

Is anyone going to any Party parties?

Bizarre fact: I went to the Christian H-for-Hipocracy Party election night party in 1999. They failed to make it over the threshold, and my more cynical mates and I scented defeat pretty early and left. What that party did have was a lot of soggy snax crackers, no alcohol, bad juice and terrible sound equipment. I went because at that time, the church I went to backed the CHP and told people to vote for them from the pulpit. I didn't follow this instruction (did I mention my cyncism?) and got a lot of "guilts" from group leaders.

I guess that inbetween all that speaking in tongues and falling on the floor in the name of the Spirit in would have been pretty hard to hear Jesus actually speaking to you and telling you - um, gift of seeing the present, the leader of that Party is raping young girls!!!

Soylent Greener Lip Redeemer

A Chinese company is making beauty products (mainly collagen-based) using the skin cells from the faces of dead convicts after they have been exectuted.

Campbell Live has been running those "what I would do as PM" segments, so I thought I would throw a few ideas into the ring:

Benefits: At least part of the benefit should be voucher-based. Having $70 worth of food stamps a week (and, say, $10 that can only be used to buy fresh fruit or vegetables) would be an excellent thing. You can't buy tobacco or alcohol or lotto tickets on a food voucher. The system is already set up with the supermarkets to accept WINZ food vouchers, and this way we'd be making sure that kids are fed before alcohol is purchased.

Farmed Kiwi: I would like to see Kiwi being raised privately on farms. I know this sounds slightly off but, the bird is dying out in the wild and usually the best way to preserve something is to make it commercially valuable.

Parenting Licences: Parents of children should be required to take and pass classes in good parenting - prenatal, antenatal, ages 2, 4, 7 and 9. If they chose not to, they go on a CYFS watch-list. I don't want to legislate against people having kids, but so many of us nowadays have not been well-parented ourselves, so unless active education of the new generation of parents is conducted, how can we expect to parent well ourselves?

Outlaw Tobacco: It does nothing good or interesting unless you're already addicted to it. It kills not only those who smoke but those around them. If you want to smoke, you should have to become a criminal, just like all (us/those) poor dope smokers.

Hands-Free Driving - cellphones should be handsfree only, and for pity's sake, don't smoke with one hand while you're trying to turn a difficult corner. The driving age should be raised to 16 for a learner, 17 for a restricted, and 18 for a full licence.

Books In Homes - I think every child should recieve a birthday present from the government each year consisting of a paper-back age-approproate kid's book for the first 6 year's of life. It would mean that everyone would have the same early books, but at least they'd have some. Ashton Scholastic or Penguin and NZ Post might want to make it part of their "good citizenship" marketing and PR.

Law N Order: I think there should be much more wide-spread use of the electronic tag for non-violent crimes. That way, people could even continue working, parenting and producing as citizens while being kept tabs on by the authorities. If they violate the terms of the ET, then they are put in prison.

Battery Farming: Battery farming of chickens and pigs should be outlawed completely in the name of cruelty to animals. In a civilised and humane society, I find it hard to believe that people can eat a meal that has been systematically tortured its entire life. I know that for a while, the price of chicken and pork might go up, but lamb and beef would be materially unaffected, and the market should even up on the white meats after the new law comes into effect.

There. That's all the agenda I can think of for the moment. What would you guys do?

uncommongoods.com reminds me of decorating my house in The Sims.

Yesterday Sucked

I woke up at 1 in the morning and started throwing up - at 5 I went to the hospital, where they gave me 2 bags of fluid and 2 shots of Maxilon (it's supposed to stop vomiting.) I went home and then went back around 11.30 - they gave me more fluids, Maxilon, and then some magical Stematil which actually helped thank god.

So I got back home around 3 and was in bed again by 5 - so very tired. I was hyperventilating most of the day so much muscles are feeling very lactoed out. Basically, I feel kind of like my muscles have been replaced with soggy paper.

I'm finding it very hard at the moment, knowing so few people in Chch. I wish I could have phoned someone to come help me, but I don't know anyone here well enough to wake them up at 5 in the morning unless I'm actually dying or something. I am thinking of moving back up north at some stage. The weather is not as good ;) but I would love to be near more of my mates.

Did the rego on the car today, insurance comes up tomorrow, then I get a week's breather before any more large bills. I got another ambulance bill the other day but winz usually pays for that (especially as I was unconscious at the time, so it's not like I chose it!)

Man, I'd forgotten what it feels like to feel weak like this. I can hardly walk to the dairy, so no walks for Sock today. We shall appreciate it all the more tomorrow.

You know, what happens to all those balloons politicians keep letting go in huge numbers? They probably drift off and kill sealife, unless people have invisible lines on each balloon and reel them in afterwards...

Wouldn't a great image be a kiwi, dead and strangled by a Green party balloon?

NZ Out Of Afghanistan?

Did you know that NZ has special forces deployed in Afghanistan still?

For now, most of the Australians are based in a self-contained section of a sprawling air base run by the US at Baghram, north of Kabul. A small number of New Zealand special operations troops are also at the base. - smh.com.au

Bizarre weather in Chch. Overcast, cold but also with brilliant sunny patches that make one think of summer.

Sock is still weaning her pups, she is taking her time over it! I'm getting sick of the daily trips over to St. Martins, it's bloody expensive. Hopefully should only be so for another week or two at the most.

Idiocy

I'm a complete idiot. Bad phreq! I'll lock you in the wardrobe if you're not careful.

I've been trying to give up smoking (I've had maybe 1/8th of my normal amount) but I really f*cked it up today and now my mates are mad at me. What a phreqing idiot. Someone should lock me up so I can't do any further harm.

I am... an idiot... you are... a kindly apparition...

idiota, jaunty idiota;
idiota, jaunty plumerang.

I wonder what language I tortured that from.

Really?

Clorox claims to harness the "magical powers of oxygen".

Can anyone tell me what a magical power is doing in a packet of laundry detergent? Why was I not informed earlier? I wonder if Clorox could magic me up some winning Lotto tickets or something.

I just got a letter from tcom saying: pay us $324.05 by Tuesday or we will cut off all your services. Um. Thanks to very kind [read: unreasonably good to me, given who and what I am] friends of mine I have $100 so I can at least pay that towards it. Maybe I should ask Clorox for a miracle.

"Dear Lord Clorox, I beseech thee to harness the magical powers of oxygen to keep my phone connected! Many thanks, phreq. PS Do you have to clean the toilets in heaven, or do you just get used?"

Barbara Bush made a stunning comment today about the New Orleans refugees staying in the Houston Astrodome:

As President Bush battled criticism over the response to Hurricane Katrina, his mother declared it a success for evacuees who "were underprivileged anyway," saying on Monday that many of the poor people she had seen while touring a Houston relocation site were faring better than before the storm hit.

"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway," she said, "so this is working very well for them." - nytimes.com

I wonder if they just sometimes should keep their rich WASPy mouths shut.

Pups

Painting

Finally I have started a new painting. Money is so tight I feel guilty buying extraneous items like canvas and oil paint. Then again, the painting is a form of therapy. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

I'm going to take some pictures of the adorable pups (who now look like little dogs, instead of saveloys) and post them shortly.

Sigh. I wish I had a 'Hibernate' switch like the computer. Just turn off until something happens that needs my attention.

"I'm sorry. Phreq can't come to the phone right now, she's in suspended animation. Should you wake her up she'll be grumpy and eat you."

What's The Emoticon For A Minute's Silence?

A National Guard soldier said he saw an alligator jump out of the water on a residential street and bite a man's leg off. He said sharks were swimming around some houses.

Refugees who had sheltered for days in squalid conditions in the New Orleans convention centre spoke of at least 14 deaths, including that of a young girl, whose throat was slit after she was raped in the cavernous, unlit building. - nzherald.

----<-<--@

Hail Fellow Ironically Named

I'm pretty damn depressed at the moment and I'm not entirely sure why. I think the New Orleans thing has something to do with it, though. The specter of it taking 5 days for the richest, most advanced country in the world to get help to its own people - god, the tsunami relief was faster and in much more challenging terrain.

The elections also make me sad, and angry. Everyone seems bent on fighting and destroying and hurting each other and if we'd all just grow up a bit we could make things so much better. But it's always a fight for the next sound-bite, the next snide remark, the next carefully stage-managed "gaffe".

I miss Ruby so much. She was such an awesome cat. Sock is great but Ruby was more 'mine'. Or maybe it's just that I had Ruby for longer, and that I had a different relationship with her than I can expect to get from a dog.

God I gotta get my meds sorted out, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for absolutely zero detectable reason, so I don't think they are optimally adjusted to help my mood. Also I whacked my foot on Monday evening and it's still pretty sore, but not sore or strange-looking enough to bother with a doctor, who always make me feel like a complete wuss in any pain situation.

Is there a Complaining Olympics? I could probably take out the "Constant Whining" and "Bitching" categories. I'm not really a contender in the "Rage-o-hol" event (being a sleepy drunk) or in the "High-Pitched Nasal" categories though...

But at the end of the day, you gotta laugh:
Identity 2005, a convention for companies in the identity-theft-protection business scheduled for later this month in Dana Point, Calif., has announced its keynote speakers.

Their names? Orson Swindle and Colin Crook. Proof that I'm not making it up.