Schrodinger's Cat

apology not accepted

I've become embroiled in controversy. Here's something new to be struggling with apart from shorthand (which is still like pulling teeth - two and a bit weeks to go, it's getting down to the wire). Email I got back is below as case evidence. You can decide whether you believe my version of the story (2 posts back) or hers. As always, this is documented here for the sake of not keeping secrets. Oh and it contains swearing, so stop reading now if that bothers you.

I won't try and refute it here except to speculate on who she meant by other women in the band. Fran and Belle left to go overseas and I'm on good terms with them. I'd trust Felicity to tell me if she had any problems (though I know her sister doesn't like me for a public confrontation she saw me have with Elisa around July 2003 - I threw beer in Elisa's face at Bodega, a darkly hilarious experience and about the most violent thing I've ever done; she'd been provoking me for months). Sheree, Nigel's flatmate and Belle's bandmate in Hell Fucken Rumble, great raw guitar player, turned up one time a year ago to jam but according to Nigel 'she didn't trust half the guys in the band'. And he said Erica wasn't sure about Sam (though she gave me a hug, as does Fran).

So clearly we do have issues to work through. Might be better to not have women in the group at all, though that seems like a cop out as does simply disbanding - we've come too far. My big worry is that if the whole project gets a tarnished reputation from rumours going around, it could make the whole thing too much of an uphill battle. We can't do anything without the goodwill of 'the people'. I suspect girls around town might be more inclined to believe ____'s version of the story...

"I'm still really pissed off with you and think you are back-pedaling hard
out just to try and save your own ass. Don't you fuckin get it?! Can't you
fuckin remember what you did that night?!
"Let me refresh yr hippie-wannabe memory: _____ had Crashed Out. Asleep.
Coma. Not Conscious. Get it?! I said I would fill up my drink bottle in the
kitchen, you were to come with me into the kitchen just to get you out of my
bedroom to let _____ have some privacy so she could sleep, then you went
back in there for what?! yeah- to say 'goodbye' to her. What the fuck were
you thinking Dave- she was K.O. What were you hoping huh? that she'd wake up
to say bye to you or something? fuk man, she didn't even know you. And what
did you do? huh? You fuckin took her hand and held it as you bent down real
close to her face and fuck I dunno, you oh so tenderly said good bye to a
wasted, asleep chick you'd never met before in your life. You didn't just
let go of her hand either mate, you drew it out as though you were being
pulled away from the love of your life. Sick dude, sick.
"What else, ah yes, do you then recall me practically foaming at the mouth at
you asking what the FUCK you thought you were doing whispering sweet
nothings to a coma'd out wasted chick fast asleep? Why did you feel
compelled to touch her even tho she was FAST ASLEEP!!!!! you fuck.
And then, to top it all off, you had the nerve to wrap your gross wierdo
arms around me after I basically had to push you out of my house cos you
just didn't get it. And yeah I said 'stop that' and 'you're wierding me
out', but you didn't. Oh no, it was a big long smelly man wierd fucked hug
and you didn't let go, like you were tryin to get off on feeling my tits
against yr shallow chest.
"But what pisses me off the most, is to hear that you've been wierding chicks
out all over town. I've spoken to someone who say's girls leave the
Ascension Band not long after joining because of you being a gross wierd
dick, so don't you try pulling excuses outa yr ass about hanging out with
hippies lately, nah, you've been pulling this shit on for quite some time I
suspect.

"Yeah, so hopefully this is your wake up call, dude. I just hope that _____
and I are the last women you ever try to pull your gross wierd shit on, cos
quite frankly I have no joy at all in writing you this email, but someones
gotta or you will never learn.I do not accept your appologies and fuck yr
band, no wonder there's no chicks left in it."

feeling better today, thank you

I went to the gig at the Cakeshop last night, had to psyche myself up somewhat... I was half expecting dirty looks, people whispering behind my back and confrontations with band mates. Nothing like that happened. It was all fairly low key, I didn't smoke or drink anything apart from a fruit smoothie at the Ed's Juice Bar window. I did a couple of drawings in my notebook - I'm thinking of enlarging them by photocopier and colouring in.

I emailed an apology/explanation to _____ - hopefully she accepts it.

There's a lot of work to do today on sponsorship proposals & funding applications & Paekakariki gig promo for Oct 14th. The guy from the council seemed to think we'd have a decent chance, and also recommended putting on a show in Civic Square. I'd love to do that.

And I spent yesterday morning making some notes for a novel I could have a go at writing over summer. It's set in the early NZ colonial period, so would take a lot of research. Maybe a good way to keep the brain focussed, and give a goal to my library reading. I'm reading Janet Frame's Faces in the Water and a James K Baxter anthology at the moment so on a NZ literature buzz.

Horoscope for today sez: "A younger person will be surprised when you take a new tack and refuse to bow down to the guilt trip they’ve been inflicting on you. Take a bow for extreme bravery under fire. For you to win the war you have to win the battle first. You are about to get to first base with a loved one if you are firm and fair and talk true. "

allegations

Things took a surprise turn for the worse yesterday - one of the women in the band quit because of me. This is a nasty surprise, needs to be addressed fairly urgently. What happened was a few weeks ago I went back to ____'s flat (probably better not to name names here even if it looks cheesy) with her & her girlfriend - not realising they had that kind of relationship going - after a gig at the Caledonian. We talked a bit and since I'd been getting on well with her gf, when it was time to leave I touched her (the gf's) hand and said goodnight and she gave mine a squeeze back. I commented on it here a few posts back, thought it was a lovely affectionate moment that didn't need to be taken any further to give pleasure.

____ freaked out somewhat - "what are you doing?". I said I was only being friendly. Then I tried to give _____ a hug at the door, which she didn't appreciate, so I shrugged it off and left.

I think _____ showed insecurity - got a bit paranoid and obviously thought I was some kind of predatory sleaze character. I thought I was just being friendly, no sexual intent. Do you believe that? Bear in mind that _____ might tell the story differently. You've got to understand that I'm a borderline social retard, an only child sent to a boys' school, not much good at reading situations, and still have issues with depression and shyness. I thought I was doing well, having got to the point where I had the confidence to give someone a hug, that was my main reason for doing it: an experiment to see if I could... but it backfired. I suppose the lesson is there are some women you can give a friendly hug to, and some you can't. The skill must be in telling them apart.

I'm more than happy to apologise to _____. The last thing I want is a dodgy reputation; I hope there aren't rumours going around. It would be a terrible tragedy if Ascension Band sinks over this after all the work we've put in - and so much potential yet to achieve.

I enjoyed the practice last night - I'd be quite happy to thin the group down to just the core members who showed up. It'd certainly ease some of the logistical challenges. I don't mind what form the band takes or even what we play, so long as we do something. I'm selfish insofar as I don't care too much who's in the band, so long as I can be in it. My role is the instigator, kick starting the whole thing and also doing a lot of the organising and promotional work - the details of the band and music itself I've delegated. I'm not interested in controlling it, more just in seeing what happens and being part of a collaboration. Maybe that's a fault - should I start another band where I just tell people what to play? Part of the problem with that is that I don't have the vocabulary.

The big band format also presents its problems, partly with logistics and partly with petty politics and weird vibes between some people. The details are unimportant, but it feels like maybe some of the goodwill or aroha we picked up earlier in the year is evaporating. For me it's a familiar feeling, with many artistic projects they seem to get harder in the late stages - it's less fun. Maybe there's something wrong with my working methods, I tend to go against the flow. Or in other words, in this case having women onboard makes it a much richer project but it's maybe too much trouble? There's more that can go wrong.

Anyway, this is a dangerous situation. There's potential for me to become ostracised in Wellington if I get branded a sleaze. Villagers with pitchforks and burning torches pounding at the door... The beautiful plans for touring, taking the band over to Australia and even reconfiguring again later in Europe could come to naught.

If I had to name the most unpleasant aspect of my character, the thing I dislike about myself the most, I'd say jealousy. The love/hate relationship I have with Wellington centres on the arts scene, particularly music and film. I don't often go out to see bands these days partly because I find myself thinking "That should be me up there". Yet actually engaging with the muse and getting across to an audience requires an openness and generosity of spirit, which some days I don't seem to have. I get bitter about being passed over, which alienates others and so a vicious circle forms.

There's also the issue of technical skill. I haven't had much formal training in music so am technically a long way behind most of the people I measure myself up against, which causes frustration. But Cynthia pointed out that I made a whole series of albums with less technical skill than I have now. She's right - I had ideas. I hope I can still find some. I think of it as punk music, DIY, regardless of the fact that I don't meet the dress code to fit into the punk scene. As for technique, it can be acquired. I'm trying to decide whether to sign up for the jazz foundation course at Massey next year - the expense, and having to spend another half year in Wellington look to be the arguments against.

In any case all the signs seem to be telling me to get out of Wellington over the summer - I need time outdoors to chill out and let this whole thing blow over...

Horoscope for today: There is a happy surprise in store when you stop feeling like the axe is about to fall. Some straight talking is needed as you gather your power to you again. Avoid the temptation to quarrel unless you go for the jugular and are prepared to go through with your threats. If you lose your credibility it's over!

Roadworks in Liberia

I spent the week in the incongruous role of sports reporter for the Kapiti Observer. But it turns out that sporting knowledge isn't too much of a prerequisite, I just phoned the coaches and wrote down what they said - presumably the readers will know what they're talking about? I must have had over 60 stories published by now, and feel like I've got more of a handle on the job than last year. I like the Kapiti Observer for its informal work atmosphere - I'm much more productive there than I was at the Wairarapa Times Age or the Taieri Herald where they put pressure on (and the offices had no windows).

I also spent the week taking my notes in shorthand quite happily, though whether I can pass the shorthand tests - three minutes of hell - is another question. Shorthand classes and the dictation CDs manage the seemingly contradictory achievements of being intensely stressful and terminally dull at the same time. Whereas out in the field it's possible to see shorthand for what it should be: a convenient system for taking notes comfortably - less effort than writing longhand.

I've got an interesting story to write on Monday, about a guy from Paekakariki who's just returned from six months work as a nurse in Liberia, West Africa (see above). He's only been back a few days and is finding it a strange readjustment. We might have the National Party to worry about, but no major issues with HIV, malaria, cholera, malnutrition, civil war, 85-90% unemployment, stoned 14 year olds running around with machine guns...

I stayed in yesterday, apart from going out to cast my vote for the Greens. The solid rain this morning makes it look likely I'll be in again today. I've got enough here to keep me occupied: the room's a mess and needs tidying, I've got the final draft of the chapter on The Space (which I wrote the bulk of more than 18 months ago!) to finish off, an outline for a tv series to be writing, and guitars, banjo and shorthand to practice. The banjo's coming along quite well - it's taken me back to the basics and after ten years of guitar I'm finally starting to learn some scales.

Banjo isn't radically different from guitar, but different enough to be stimulating. They sound good together, the tones complement each other and don't get in each other's way. It's a different sound, tuning (open G), and right hand technique. I just found out about frailing, where you strike the strings with the back of the fingers, so the fingernail makes a different sound from plucking upwards. It also helps to keep the little finger anchored on the drum skin, which blocks out some of the frequencies and keeps the sound clearer. Maybe an analogy for guitar/banjo would be to compare English and French - which I've recently been renewing my interest in - same underlying structure but different vocabularly?

I might have to investigate playing folk music for a bit, maybe head in a more 'conventional' direction temporarily to get the musical knowledge base to build on. But the banjo is also well suited to free improv playing - the drum skin has all kinds of weird sounds, especially when electrified. It was encourgaging that two people recently bought copies of Mantis Shaped and Worrying, the ugly duckling of my albums, so there's room for experimentation...

I named the banjo Amy after a penpal in America. But the last month or so a rift has developed since I found a 'real life' girlfriend in Melbourne. Cynthia's now living in Nelson, having gone home to be with her Dad who's terminally ill (and just published a novel). So I see her some of the time. It might be worth my moving down to Nelson over the summer - I'm keen to spend some time exploring the Kahurangi and Nelson Lakes national parks.

Still have to figure out what to do next year - a couple of months in Australia again is on the cards but I wouldn't want to live there long term, as I aim to travel further afield. I am quite tempted to do the jazz foundation certificate at Massey to boost my musicianship - I've been frustrated for several years that my technical skills are behind the great local players who should be my peers.

Another option is to do the year's teaching-English-in-Asia thing. I'd been hoping to do that with Amy - I don't think I want to go on my own. But the falling out probably rules it out as an option. I'm feeling sad about the whole thing.

Oh and Cynthia had an accident with some oven cleaner yesterday - major burns to her nose which will probably leave a scar.

brief wellington interlude

Just got back from a week in Nelson. Paraparaumu next, have to get up early for a week's work at the Kapiti Observer.

Finally got to see some of Kahurangi National Park, went up into Cobb Valley. Drank water from Lake Peel and saw some Kea flying. Makes me feel good about being in New Zealand, should get out of town more often. Most of my friends are pretty useless about going tramping.

Four separate dreams last night / this morning:

1) Getting a ride in a car with a girl who turned out to be a racing/stunt driver, going up steep banks, doing jumps etc. Had to fasten seatbelt.

2) Forgotten

3) Forgotten

4) In Melbourne, put my guitar and banjo down on a bench, wandered off and when I got back they'd been stolen... :{

One month to go to pass shorthand and get my diploma. It's a dreary frustrating subject which I have little to no interest in, and it's pissing me off severely... I must have a lucky life these days if that's all I can find to be miserable about.

I postponed the acoustic gig I was going to be playing tonight... maybe a mistake as I had three people emailing to say they'd come. Which was almost the total audience size at the one last weekend...

there will be a delay?

Shorthand is doing my head in - it's got to the point where the more practice I do the slower I get as the stress cramps my hand up. Ironic that I'm getting offered temporary paid journalism work now, so can obviously do the job, but missing classes to get the bit of paper that says I can as a result.

So looks like I'm going to postpone the gig this Sunday. I'm getting back from Nelson and then have an early start off to Paraparaumu to work at the Kapiti Observer for the week. Better to do a well organised gig later than a rush job one.

Latest idea niggling at me is that maybe I should spend the first half of next year doing the Jazz Foundation Course at Massey, as a prelude to taking Ascension Band to Australia. I want to be on top form musically if I'm to be an 'international artist'. Postponing would also give us time to put in a Creative NZ application to get some funding for it.

So maybe yet another change of direction for me? I've spent the past several years feeling frustrated that although I have ideas, my technically primitive musicianship has been holding me back from where I should be. And my artistic endeavours are infinitely more important than whatever I might do for a dayjob...

Shorthand is doing my head in - it's got to the point where the more practice I do the slower I get as the stress cramps my hand up. Ironic that I'm getting offered temporary paid journalism work now, so can obviously do the job, but missing classes to get the bit of paper that says I can as a result.

So looks like I'm going to postpone the gig this Sunday. I'm getting back from Nelson and then have an early start off to Paraparaumu to work at the Kapiti Observer for the week. Better to do a well organised gig later than a rush job one.

Latest idea niggling at me is that maybe I should spend the first half of next year doing the Jazz Foundation Course at Massey, as a prelude to taking Ascension Band to Australia. I want to be on top form musically if I'm to be an 'international artist'. Postponing would also give us time to put in a Creative NZ application to get some funding for it.

So maybe yet another change of direction for me? I've spent the past several years feeling frustrated that although I have ideas, my technically primitive musicianship has been holding me back from where I should be. And my artistic endeavours are infinitely more important than whatever I might do for a dayjob...

this sunday

Inexpensive gig this Sunday - be cool to see you there. Damian's doing his computer thing and I'll be making some noise on guitar, banjo and electronic stuff. Between us we've got the digital/analogue spread covered. I might also do a reading from my new book of short stories & will have a few spare copies if you want one.

I'm also playing the following Sunday, the 11th of September, same time same place - that'll be an unplugged acoustic performance. So between the two Sundays there's a further yin yang duality coverage...

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Had a good time at a party in Newtown last night - left my keys behind. Went to one on Saturday in Hataitai and left my bag behind. I must be getting senile...